Truth About Santa Claus

It’s that time of year: Christmas. When we commemorate the life of one of the greatest ascetics in history. When we demonstrate our obedience to his message of spirituality and selflessness by outspending the rest of the year. Santa Claus be praised.

Let’s forget that this is the day we chose to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, Son of God and Savior. After all, a great many believe him to be a total fiction. The historical data disagree, but let’s not quibble about that. Instead, let’s focus on the fact that Santa Claus, or Christopher Kringle, is in fact alive and well.

The first thing you have to realize is that Santa is not an immortal being. The original Santa Claus was Saint Nicholas of Myra.

However, much like the Dread Pirate Roberts, when it was time for him to give up the mantel, he passed it down to a successor. Through the centuries, the various Nicks worked harder to be more hidden, out of piety to be certain. Christopher Kringle was one of the various incarnations of Claus that was discovered.

Which brings us to the modern era. Santa Claus lives on, though that is not his original name. Nor is it Kringle. For the life of me, I don’t know who he is, either. But, he does travel with magical reindeer and provide gifts to all the good girls and boys.

This does sound fantastical. How could one man with a bunch of flying reindeer deliver so many toys in such a short time? There have been various theories. Skeptics point out that physics would incinerate the poor creatures.

What the skeptics fail to realize is that there are very, very few good boys and girls. So few, in fact, that Claus starts promptly at midnight and is home within an hour.

“But, everybody knows there is no Santa,” says the skeptic. “Our parents admitted that it was just a ruse, a form of behavior control.”

No, dear reader. Your parents knew Santa would not be coming. They did not want to admit that you were a rotten brat. So, they denied the existence of Santa and put the toys under the tree, hoping you would feel better and stop being such a wretch. And, when that wasn’t enough, the confessed to their deceit. That they did not know there is a Santa lay in the fact that their parents, too, had to put the toys under the tree for the same reasons. For generations, they have lied…so much so that now the lie is perceived to be the truth.

Yes, there is a Santa. He only goes to the homes of good boys and girls. He won’t be coming to your home any time soon. And, no. He won’t be coming to my home, either.